Subject: Just to lighten your day
😂
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Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is
the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied, 'No peer
pressure.'
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The nice thing about being senile is you keep meeting new friends.
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I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes; I'm half blind, can't hear anything
quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy,
winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all
my friends but, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
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I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's
permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an
aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and
perspired for an hour. By the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
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An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she
had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted
her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. 'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why
Wal-Mart?' 'Then
I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week '
----
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is
the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied, 'No peer
pressure.'
-----
The nice thing about being senile is you keep meeting new friends.
-----
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes; I'm half blind, can't hear anything
quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy,
winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all
my friends but, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
-----
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's
permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an
aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and
perspired for an hour. By the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
-----
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she
had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted
her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. 'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why
Wal-Mart?' 'Then
I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week '
----
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
-----
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
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It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
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These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'
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Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
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Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
-----
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
-----
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'
-----
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing..
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--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I
never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to
tell the difference.
----
--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I
never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to
tell the difference.
----
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others
your own age and thinking, 'Surely I can't look that old!'
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others
your own age and thinking, 'Surely I can't look that old!'
-
My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the
waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS
diploma, which bore his full name.
-
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome,
dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd
years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then?
-
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any
such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined
face was way too old to have been my classmate.
-
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had
attended Morgan Park High School .
'Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang,' he gleamed with pride.
-
'When did you graduate?' I asked.
-
He answered, 'In 1975. Why do you ask?'
-
'You were in my class!' I exclaimed.
-
He looked at me closely. Then, that four-eyed,
ugly, old bald, wrinkled, fat assed, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch
asked, 'What did you teach?'
------------
I mentioned to Kathy that we will have been married for 44 years come October 24th. She said she was just thinking about that. "If I had shot you when I first thought about it I would be out by now."
My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the
waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS
diploma, which bore his full name.
-
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome,
dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd
years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then?
-
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any
such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined
face was way too old to have been my classmate.
-
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had
attended Morgan Park High School .
'Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang,' he gleamed with pride.
-
'When did you graduate?' I asked.
-
He answered, 'In 1975. Why do you ask?'
-
'You were in my class!' I exclaimed.
-
He looked at me closely. Then, that four-eyed,
ugly, old bald, wrinkled, fat assed, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch
asked, 'What did you teach?'
------------
I mentioned to Kathy that we will have been married for 44 years come October 24th. She said she was just thinking about that. "If I had shot you when I first thought about it I would be out by now."
--
- Hope that lightens your day:
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